Essay about Myself Example
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SAMPLE AND PROFESSIONAL WRITER’S CRITIQUE UNDER IT.
I am Charles Langley and I want to be admitted in the Physics program.
I can’t wait to be in college. College is fun according to my brother who attended XXX University. I want to attend XXX University because of him. It seems that college is fun every time I listen to my brother’s story about college. He is my inspiration because he shows me that I can be whoever I want and supports me no matter what. I am happy every time he is around. I do my best in class so that I’ll be admitted to college to be with my brother because he’s so cool. I want to experience fun too that is why I want to be admitted to the Physics program of this university.
I am very interested in Physics since high school and even attended science fairs. My grades are okay but I wish to improve it in the university. My goal is to be a physicist and to impart my knowledge of other people. I think I am qualified to be admitted to the program so please consider my application.
If you want to know about my accomplishments, here it is. I am an athlete and my team participated in the State championships last year. I am also a part of my high school’s performing arts club and I participated in a lot of plays. My brother would be very happy if I can get in.
Professional Essay Writer’s Comments:
There are a lot of “essay about myself examples” in the internet today but not all samples are good. Any personal essay whether it be an essay about myself sample or a real essay to be submitted to the university, a personal statement is a statement about you.
This personal statement is not a good sample although it is personally written.
First, it relays a message to the admissions committee that the applicant is more interested in fun and being with his brother rather than being enthusiastic about the program. He considers college to be a fun place and not a place for learning.
Second, he puts his intention clearly at the beginning of the paper which is a good start but the supporting details why he wanted to enter the program is not enough.
Third, his use of words is not clear. He says that his grades are okay. What does he mean by that? This essay about myself example that he will submit must be clear, concise, and straightforward – not full of words that are ambiguous.
Lastly, the general tone of the paper is arrogant. He seems pretty convinced that the admissions committee would give him a slot in the physics program because he is highly qualified but his qualifications are not even related to the program he’s applying for. Content wise and grammar wise, he needs improvement.